I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
