I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
