This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
