Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
