I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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