I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
