I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
This baby is an asshole
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
