im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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