What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
