I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
high people should be assigned attendants
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Randomize
