Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
i think i just lost a toe
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
we should paint friendship bongs
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