if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
