does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
