gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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