You smell like a Billy Joel song
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
did i just pee glitter
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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