over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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