OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
