This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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