alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
