May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
