your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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