Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
you win again, gameday.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
