he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
