It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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