How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
