i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
