By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
