You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
