I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
