12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
