I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Randomize
