Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Randomize
