Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
