I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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