When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
