If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
