Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
