So drunk its hurt
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Randomize
