wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
