If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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