Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
