and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Randomize
