I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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