You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
