Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
