i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
