My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Of course I have a pirate flag
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
