bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
