the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
