Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
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