I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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