literally had 100 drinks last night.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I think your dad took our porno
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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